This is an attempt to break the writer’s block that I’ve had for the last two months. I’ve written nothing… so many times I’ve sat down and just stared at my computer, and before I know it I’m facebook stalking the first person I see on my news feed. Creepy, I know. But there really is no better distraction.
I think I have nothing to write about because for the first time in a long time I feel good. Genuinely good. There’s not a demand for material about people who are content. That’s boring. People want to read about crazy break-ups, natural disasters, political tension.
For so long I’ve felt like there’s something missing and I had been diligently trying to fill this space in my life… but I’ve surrendered to the insanity and uncertainty and suddenly those gaps have closed. I’m not exactly where I want to be in my career, but I’m on a good path. Everything with my son seems to be going smoothly. After a year of putting myself through hell questioning what happened with the infamous heartbreak from 2010, I finally feel like I have my identity back. I still think about him… a lot. In fact, I had a dream the other night that I hung out with him and his new girlfriend, and she was this Justin Bieber-looking mutant who was apparently born with Sirenomelia (also known as “mermaid syndrome”), so he had to carry her everywhere. Analyze THAT, Freud.
But here’s the problem: I’m almost too content in my life right now. There’s not really a whole lot of fire under my ass. I’ve got a great opportunity to really prove myself in my career, and I’m not worried about it. I got this. But is that a dangerous mindset? Do nerves give us more drive? I’ve never been the type of person who got nervous for tests and I’m proud to say that I got at least B’s on a lot of them. And that’s good enough for me. (When I graduated from college, I took a group of my favorite professors out for drinks just to say ‘thank you’ for putting up with me for the last 6 years, and one of them told me that I anger her because I am, “so smart, but I don’t put the effort I should into anything.” In other words, if I can effortlessly get B’s on immunology exams, what could I do with a little bit of drive? It was loud in the bar that night. At least I think that’s what she said.)
I’ve finally learned to accept that life is just a series of crazy and sane… more crazy than sane, but you’re bound to get a taste of each. Shit happens, you have to deal with it, and you have to know what your next step is. You think you’re in this safe and secure relationship and before you know it he’s banging the 21 year-old waitress who used to serve you at your favorite restaurant. You think you’re headed to medical school and before you know it you’re trying to launch a career in medical device sales. Nothing is guaranteed– this is why I always say don’t get too comfortable once you feel like you’ve found yourself, because all these external things that affect your identity change, almost daily. Just knowing THAT brings me a sense of calm because I don’t have that much control anyways, so why sweat all the small stuff? People who are inflexible to change are fucked, I’ve realized.
Repeat after me: EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OKAY. And if it’s not, there’s always Grey Goose martini’s. Extra dirty… we’re talking Lindsay Lohan after a Saturday night orgy dirty.